All parents want to play a role in their child’s hockey development. We often hear about the negative aspects of the parent-coach relationship, but establishing a positive rapport will make the season more enjoyable while maximizing your child’s development.

Don’t forget: We’re all in this together.

“Parents should be working with the coaches, not against them,” said Mike MacMillan, USA Hockey’s national coach-in-chief. “Parents need to be active in their kid’s development if they want to be successful in hockey and enjoy it.”

Here are some ways to help develop a positive relationship with the coaching staff.

Have a Question? Ask: MacMillan has run countless parent meetings. At the end of many of them, he asks if there are any questions – and nobody will raise their hand.

“I can’t tell you how many meetings I’ve run where nobody asks questions. And then I think, ‘Man, I nailed that meeting,’” said MacMillan, who is also the director of the Reebok Minnesota Hockey High Performance Camps. “But then they all ask each other questions in the hallways or go off and do their own thing.”

Whether it’s about player development, expectations, scheduling, practices, etc., ask the coaches directly. What should your kid be doing away from the rink or during the offseason? What areas do they need to improve on?

Don’t be afraid. This is what the coaches are here for.

“There’s a false sense of intimidation there,” MacMillan said. “If this is about your kid and about the player, why wouldn’t you ask? What coach doesn’t want what’s best for your player?”

When kids hit Bantams or 14U, it’s time for the player to start asking questions on their own. This is the age where players should start taking responsibility for their own development.

Let the Coaches Coach: Especially in today’s world, kids receive information and instruction from a lot of different sources. Let the coaches coach. If the parent is contradicting what the coach says on the drive home or at the dinner table, this puts the player in a bad position.

“It’s undermining what the coach is teaching them and it becomes counterintuitive,” MacMillan said. “Then the player has to make a decision – should I listen to the parent or coach?”

It becomes a lose-lose situation. If the child goes against the coach, it could result in lost playing time. If the child ignores their parent’s advice, it creates friction at home. That’s not to mention the potential for that internal conflict to lead to bad habits and poor performance. And isn’t the ultimate goal of every parent to see his or her child be the best he or she can be?

Observe the 24-Hour Rule: Mike Taylor has coached girls’ youth hockey and is currently the Eagan boys’ high school hockey team, so he’s seen it all. When it comes to games, it’s beneficial for everyone involved to have a 24-hour cooling-off period.

“The best advice I give coaches is the 24-hour rule,” said Taylor, who is also an ADM Instructor for Minnesota Hockey. “[Coaches] do not talk to anybody walking through the lobby. The parents are not allowed to approach you in the lobby.”

This rule applies to all forms of communication.

“You’re not allowed to email the coach. You’re not allowed to text the coach,” Taylor said. “Those two types of communication can be done impulsively. They can be misinterpreted. They can be emotional.”

Taylor takes it a step further at Eagan. Parents can call the coach’s voicemail and leave a message. That message must say:

1. Who the caller is.
2. Phone number to reach them.
3. What’s the specific issue they want to discuss.

“Because you don’t want to be blindsided,” Taylor said. “I deserve to know why you’re calling and what the discussion’s going to be like.”

Is There a Problem? After 24 hours have passed, set up a meeting with the coaching staff. Make sure the coach, parent and player are all present for the meeting. This is important because then the message is not distorted.

“It’s the same thing with parent-teacher conferences,” Taylor said. “Sometimes there’s a ‘he-said she-said.’ They work way better when the kid is there. That way it’s all clear. There’s a three-legged stool – parent, player and coach.”

MacMillan agrees.

“Sometimes parents hear what they want to hear and forget everything else,” MacMillan said. “All three parties should be in the room so the message is not filtered once it reaches the player.”

Do Not Talk About Other Players: This is a no-no. Whether it’s with the coaches, other parents or your child, do not criticize or speak negatively about other players on the team. It’s disrespectful and unfair to the kids. It also sends a bad message.

“I will never, under any circumstances, discuss another player with you,” Taylor said.

Review the Coach’s Rules: Coaches typically run through a set of rules and expectations prior to the season. Oftentimes there are handouts for parents to take home. Review those rules and expectations to adhere to the coaching staff’s policy. There might be some very specific information based on how they like to communicate.

If the coach has not provided those rules, don’t be afraid to ask what they are prior to the season so everybody can be on the same page. The coach should respect your willingness to know what he or she expects from your child…and you.

Lend a Hand: Want to be more involved? Ask the coaching staff if there is any way you can help out. Planning, carpooling, concessions, fundraising – there are a lot of other off-ice components to a youth hockey season that coaches don’t necessarily have time to manage. At the very least, the coaching staff will appreciate the gesture. But don’t expect any favoritism coming your child’s way.

Zero Tolerance: Reminder: USA Hockey has a Zero Tolerance policy for parents/spectators displaying inappropriate behavior during games. One quick way to get on the coaching staff’s bad side is to violate this rule.

From USA Hockey:

Parents/Spectators

The game will be stopped by On-Ice officials when parents/spectators displaying inappropriate and disruptive behavior interfere with other spectators or the game. The On-Ice officials will identify violators to the coaches for the purpose of removing parents/spectators from the spectator’s viewing and game area. Once removed play will resume. Lost time will not be replaced and violators may be subject to further disciplinary action by the local Governing Body.

• Use of obscene or vulgar language in a boisterous manner to anyone at any time.
• Taunting of players, coaches, officials or other spectators by means of baiting, ridiculing, threat of physical violence or physical violence.
• Throwing of any object in the spectator’s viewing area, player’s bench, penalty box or on the ice surface, directed in any manner as to create a safety hazard.