Over the past few decades, we have seen an increase in reports about abhorrent parent behavior in the media and sports literature which, in many cases, has been vilified and rightly so. 

On the flip side, from a parent perspective, there have been coaches who create an environment, knowingly or not, that puts our children in a position where they are feeling like they do not belong, are not liked, are simply not good enough, or even cared about. 

When you combine the documented parent behavior, and the real or perceived coach behavior, the result is an ever-growing chasm between parents and coaches that is real, not perceived. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard (and maybe even have said once or twice in my earlier coaching days) that, “I love coaching the kids, but do not want to deal with the parents.”  And as a parent, I have been in the situation of wondering how to get involved in what I feel is not appropriate, or even if I should. 

The manifestation of this strained relationship occurs when a parent gets to a point where they NEED to have a meeting with the coach. The parent enters with a high level of frustration, and the coach, who is often anticipating a verbal beating for something he/she has done, or not done (such as playing time, position play, etc.), enters with a defensive mindset. Combined, it creates a setting that lends itself to more dysfunction and frustration, rather than taking steps towards achieving the group’s mutual goal of helping the player.

It is time to change our approach (from both sides) to these conversations that undoubtedly create angst every year for parents and coaches alike. So where do we start? 

To my fellow coaches: Please do not dismiss parents’ involvement in their child’s situation. As a head coach particularly, please do not completely delegate, abdicate, or flat out avoid these conversations. Believe it or not, that puts you and your entire coaching staff in a place that is worse than having a conversation with the parents in the first place. What you need is a clearly thought-out plan of communication for how to engage in these conversations!

To my fellow parents:  Assume Best Intentions of the coaches. I know it is hard to believe, but the probability that you have a good person coaching your son or daughter is high. They are juggling the challenge of developing every player on the team and the team as a whole plus various administrative tasks, all on top of their own full-time job and family. They WILL make a mistake or two.

To my fellow association leadership teams: Please help your coaches with this. I know you hired them for their hockey IQ, but many of our coaches, young and old, have never been trained nor have enough experience to have constructive conversations with parents in a stressful environment.

Last, but certainly not least, below is a framework that I have found to be helpful throughout my years as a head coach, parent, and member of association leadership. My hope is that these rules can be used in creating an environment for successful parent/coach communications.

Coach Paul’s Rules for a Parent/Coach Meeting:

1. We all need to Assume Best Intentions.  
2. 24 Hour Rule. If you are upset about something, please wait 24 hours before you request a meeting.
3. No long emails or text strings. In your request, please state what you would like to discuss, clearly and succinctly. Bullet points are usually the best approach.
4. If the requested meeting is about your son/daughter, he/she and another coach/manager/association member will be present, and here’s why:
   • The meeting is about the player and his/her experience. Conversations are typically much more constructive when they are present too. 
   • I think it is important for coaches and parents to model appropriate communication for our children.  This will help them in life, not just their hockey careers.
   • Even the best communication can be misconstrued. I have found having a third party there to be beneficial for everyone.
5. Your son/daughter will be part of the conversation, and you should expect me to speak with them too.
6. Hockey specific discussions such as how the power play is running, who is on PK or PP, line combinations, and even positions players are currently playing are only open to an understanding as to the thoughts behind the decisions as it relates to your son/daughter.
7. I will actively listen to you and your son/daughter so I can understand what is being said or asked before I respond.
8. I will be honest with my responses and assessments and will be respectful.

The fundamental premise here is that we all must be “open to the possibility.” Parents need to be open to the possibility that what they are seeing, or hearing is not necessarily the entire truth.  Coaches need to be open to the possibility that you might learn something new that you were unaware of.  And association leadership teams must be open to the possibility that the coaches they have hired might not be great at everything, and that there is needed support from you.

Strong communication is a key component to any relationship.  But sometimes a little structure helps.

Paul Antonenko
The View From Center Ice Blog

As a former goaltender growing up in the Detroit, MI area, finishing his High School Hockey in Thief River Falls, MN, and getting his coaching start with East Grand Forks Green Wave High School in 1991 while attending the University of North Dakota, Paul Antonenko is a lifelong advocate for the game of hockey.  He is a USA Hockey Level 4 Coach, USA Hockey Level 1 Official, Former Hockey Development Director for Armstrong/Cooper Youth Hockey, Former Coaches Board Chair for Orono Youth Hockey, and has coached teams of all ages and skill levels since 1991, girls and boys, from Mites through high school throughout the upper Midwest.  He is the father of 3 girls and 2 boys who have all played through various levels of competitive hockey including the Girls Tier I Elite League outside of Minnesota, Minnesota High School Hockey, and juniors in the USPHL Premier League.  He is currently involved as a non-parent coach in the Orono-Westonka Warriors girls hockey program.