“I actually think all coaches play their favorites, at least at the youth levels. And honestly, I think they should play their favorites.”

How would you react if a fellow hockey parent said that to you? Would you simply raise your eyebrows with a disgusted look? Maybe go into a long rant about how politics and favoritism have no place in youth sports?

The word favorites is typically viewed negatively in youth sports culture, and perhaps, rightfully so. However, the recent article Yes, I Do Play My Favorites provides an interesting perspective on how certain types of favoritism may actually enhance the experience and development youth athletes.

Author James Leath argues that every coach has favorites. They’re just not the type of favorites people tend to perceive. Rather than favorites based on athletic ability or politics, most coaches have favorites because of the intangibles kids have. Coaches can’t help but enjoy being around young players who work hard every day, who care about getting better and who make being at the rink fun for teammates and the coaches.

Most importantly, Leath notes that what influences his favorites is 100% in the control of the athlete.

On the opposite side of the characteristics Leath highlights, there are also certain behaviors that drive coaches crazy.  Here are eight common pet peeves kids should avoid if he or she wants to be one of the coach’s favorites.

The “Huh?” look – As parents, you know exactly what this is. Instead, have your child strive to pay attention to each explanation so well that he/she can always be the first person in line for new drills.

Slamming your stick – Rather than wasting energy drawing more attention to a mistake, coaches want to see players forget about a mistake quickly, get back in the play and do their best the next time.

Being late to practice – Most times when kids (who can’t drive) are late to practice it’s out of their control, but there are also instances where kids cause themselves to be late by forgetting equipment at home or talking too much. That shouldn’t happen. Encourage your kid to keep track of time at the rink and be ready to hit the ice as soon as the Zamboni finishes.

Palms Up – When a kid puts their palms up after a penalty call or a bad pass from a teammate,  everyone in the rink knows what he/she is thinking and signals that the blame game is typically about to start. Instead, coaches want players to accept responsibility for any role in the outcome and focus on reacting the best way possible.

Worrying About Stats – Zach Parise recently scored his 300th NHL goal (one of only three Minnesotans to do so). After the game, he fielded multiple questions about his two goals and his achievement. Repeatedly, Parise emphasized he had been playing well and generating chances for several games. The goals just happened to come that night. Parise also had a look of disgust most of the interview because they had just lost 6-3. Coaches (and good players) care much more about how/why certain plays happen and how they affect the team than individual statistics.

Puck Hogs – Good players make plays with the puck. Great players make their teammates better every time they step on the ice.

Bad penalties – Penalties are a part of the game and coaches understand that (even if they don’t always agree with them). The ones that really hurt are lazy penalties and retaliation penalties. If your kid is hustling and doing their best to help the team, most coaches won’t worry about penalties that get called.

Too Much Focus on Rankings – Kids love rankings. Seeing their team or name ranked as one of the best is an instant high. The problem is kids typically lack the perspective to understand what they mean and can lose track of what got them to that position. It’s up to coaches (and parents) to keep players focused on the things they can control and trying to get better every day.

If you’re kid happens to do one (or more) of these right now, it’s not the end of the world. Most coaches have kids of their own and know learning these lessons is part of growing up. The best thing you can do is be ready to help your son or daughter understand the big picture when his/her coach addresses the topic this season.

Bonus – So far, we’ve been focused on things within kids’ control. After all, they’re the ones we’re all trying to support and develop. The relationship between parents and coaches is important too though. If you want to significantly increase the odds of having a good relationship with your kid’s coach, here are three things to avoid when contacting coaches:  

1. Don’t call right after games. Emotions are highest on both sides and that rarely helps the situation.  Waiting at least 24 hours is a good rule of thumb.
2. Avoid holidays. No one wants to discuss playing time or discipline on Thanksgiving or Christmas.
3. Stay away from mentioning or comparing your kid to other kids. For many coaches, that signals an instant end to the conversation.