Your son is not enjoying his chosen sport any more. He has played for years and excels at it. But now he appears burned out and has even mentioned he wants to quit. As a Second-Goal Parent, what should you do?

Peter Benson, author of Sparks, a landmark book on teen motivation, says: “Sparks illuminate a young person’s life and give it energy and purpose.” Helping teens find their spark and encouraging it is an important role for parents, which may be hard if you are emotionally attached to your son competing in his sport, while it no longer sparks him.

Try to disengage yourself from your hopes and dreams for your son as an athlete. This is about what’s best for him, and if he feels he needs to please you, it will be much harder for him to figure out what is best for him.

Juliet Thompson Hochman, a member of the 1988 U.S. Olympic Rowing Team, shared a conversation she had with her father the summer after her first year at Harvard. She was away from family, teammates, and coaches working out but feeling lonely and discouraged. She talked to her father who reminded her that she could quit rowing if that’s what she wanted.

Juliet might have been expecting her dad to pressure her, to talk her into sticking with her workouts. Instead, he reminded her that she could change her situation. She thought about what she wanted to do and realized that she wanted to excel in rowing for herself, not to please her father or anyone else. She rededicated herself, made the U.S. national team the following year, and competed in the Olympics in Seoul.

Whether to quit or not may seem like a “forever” decision to your son, but it doesn’t have to be. He can decide to take a break, even skip a season of competition, without that meaning that he is quitting the sport for good. If he takes some time off, he may find he misses it, or he may feel relieved to be away. He won’t know unless he does take a break.

So, take some of the pressure off the decision. Decisions made under pressure are often not as good as those where we give ourselves time to figure out the best course of action.

Here are some questions you might ask to get a conversation going:

• Is this a recent feeling, or have you felt this way for a while?
• Does this feel like temporary burnout or something deeper?
• Do you think taking some time off would help?
• What is it about playing your sport that feels different now?
• If you do quit, are there other activities that you’d like to get involved with?

Then listen carefully to what he says.

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Editor’s Note: This is case study is an excerpt from the Positive Coaching Alliance’s (PCA) book called ‘The High School Sports Parent’ by Jim Thompson. It has been re-printed here in promotion of Minnesota Hockey’s partnership with PCA which enables youth hockey associations in Minnesota to receive grants for hosting a PCA workshop.