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Walking the Line As a Parent-Coach

By Minnesota Hockey, 11/10/15, 8:00AM CST

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Utilizing parent-coaches can be hard. The additional scrutiny that comes with parent-coaches can be hard on the coach’s kid, the other players on the team, the parents and even the coaches themselves.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Many times parent-coaches are some of the most experienced and knowledgeable coaches available. There are a number of parent-coaches, particularly in the State of Hockey, who played the game at a high level themselves. In addition, they often have a special awareness of certain off-ice factors such as the social dynamics of that specific age level and between teammates.  

The key to taking advantage of the benefits of parent-coaches while reducing the drawbacks is outlining expectations for the players, parents and coaches at the beginning of the season.

A Coaching Hat

Creating two separate roles, one as a parent and one as a coach, is one of the best ways to maintain a good relationship with your own child while acting as a parent-coach.  Minnesota Hockey District 1 Coach-in-Chief Dan Muccio recalls a great example of this from when he first coached his son.

We had just walked in the door from our first game of the year, and his mom asked, “How was your game?”

He turned to look at me and said, “Dad yelled at me.”

“When?” I responded.

“During the second period.”

That’s when it clicked, and I realized the situation he was thinking of. I told him, “Well, that wasn’t me. That was your coach.”

He gave me an odd look, and I could see the wheels turning. After a few seconds, he turned back to his mom and said, “Okay, the coach yelled at me.”

The exchange may seem nondescript, but it was a game changer for their relationship. It set the expectation early in the season that while at the rink he was Coach Muccio, instead of dad.  Once they got in the car to go home, it was time to be dad again.

Some coaches have even gone so far as to actually wear a “coaching hat” or call their child by a special nickname only at the rink.  This type of role separation can also discreetly help other players on the team develop a positive perception of coaches’ comments and feedback.

Be Firm on Fairness

“As a parent-coach, you want to be fair across the board,” said District 6 Coach-in-Chief, Pat Westrum. “Whether it’s in terms of playing time or discipline, you don’t want to come across as too hard or too easy on them.”

For many parent-coaches, their first tendency is to be harder on their own kid because it seems like the best way to eliminate any potential for bias. Unfortunately, that type of additional pressure can have a negative effect on not only their child but the entire team.

Westrum suggests having other coaches take care of coaching your kid. Common examples may include switching who is in charge of defensemen or forwards during games and having other coaches be the one to provide insight on technique or apply discipline, if necessary. By giving a different coach those responsibilities, it sets an expectation across the team that everyone is equal.

The other critical component of fairness is how you handle playing time.

“If your kid is one of the better players and you adjust ice time based on skill, you’re setting yourself up for a bad situation,” said Westrum. “Even if you’re following your principles and trying to apply them fairly, other parents may perceive it differently, and you’re giving them an opportunity to do it.”

Coaches can avoid those potential disasters by providing equal playing time. Allowing all of the players to be involved during special teams and at the end of games eliminates one of the biggest issues parent-coaches experience. It also enhances the development of all players by giving them the opportunity to play in a variety of situations.

By creating a set of expectations such as these and communicating them to all of the players and parents, parent-coaches can establish an environment that reduces the chance of any hard feelings while maximizing the focus on individual and team development. 

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