It was the night my son and his teammates had been working toward all year. Their junior varsity high school hockey team had made it to the finals. In a few hours, Nicholas and his fellow players would take to the ice to skate the most important game of the season—but first there was dinner.

“So how do you feel about the game, Nick?” I asked my normally upbeat 15-year-old as we sat down to his favorite meal.

“I don’t know,” he muttered, staring down at his plate.

“Are you nervous?”

“I don’t know,” he grumbled again.

It was clear that my son was not in a chatty mood, but still I pressed on, asking about the opponents and what his coaches had been saying about that night’s strategy. When my husband mentioned that he heard the other team might be bringing down some varsity players for the JV game, I knew we had gone too far.

“I’m going to check my hockey bag,” Nick said, as he got up from the table and left the kitchen.

What was supposed to be a nice, relaxing family dinner before the big game disappeared before dessert. Then I wondered: How do parents show interest in their kids’ sports without turning precious family time into a grand inquisition? Should dinner table talk be sports-free, or were we simply going about it the wrong way?

Dr. Larry Lauer, a sports psychologist and player development expert with the United States Tennis Association, says parents can be supportive, but need to understand how best to go about that.

“If you’re sitting around the dinner table completely fixated on the game and talking about it, that’s going to take on tremendous importance in the mind of your child,” he says. “All your child thinks is ‘Wow, Dad’s really interested in this. I really have to do well’ and that puts a lot of pressure on the athlete.”

Some families, he says, have a rule not to talk about sports at the dinner table to keep the conversation light and stress-free. But for those who do want to discuss the game or how training is going, he recommends that parents ask questions and then listen to how their child responds.

“Some kids want to talk, especially if they’re nervous about a big game or how they’re doing,” Lauer says. “Other kids need quiet and tend to be more reflective. It’s up to the parent to understand their child and how he or she express themselves.”

No matter what kind of personality your child has, Lauer says lecturing your athlete on game day strategy or how badly the referee botched last night’s calls, is rarely helpful.

“That’s the coach’s job, not the parents’ job,” he says.

Trust that whatever your child needs to know about the game, or how to handle calls that don’t go their way, is being covered by their coach. Similarly, never compare your athlete with another player.

“The last thing you want to do is put ideas in their head that weren’t there to begin with,” Lauer says.

The best strategy for dinnertime conversation is to be encouraging and upbeat.

“Before a game, tell your child: ‘This is what you practiced for. You’re ready.’ Then give them a pat on the back and a hug,” he says.

Nick’s team went on to win that championship 2–1, in one of the most exciting overtime games I’ve ever seen. On the way home, my husband asked if the other team had actually brought down those varsity players. This time Nick was quick to answer.

“Yeah, they did,” he said with a big, satisfied grin on his face. “But we still beat them.”